Deck The Halls

And we're back with another one for The Collection of Constipated, Convoluted Carols! Here's another really popular one, Deck The Halls:

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,

Fa la la la la la la la la. 

'Tis the season to be jolly,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Don we now our gay apparel,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Troll the ancient Yuletide carol,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

See the blazing Yule before us,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Strike the harp and join the chorus,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Follow me in merry measure,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

While I tell of Yuletide treasure,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Fast away the old year passes,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Hail the new, ye lads and lasses,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Sing we joyous, all together,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Heedless of the wind and weather,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Does anyone else think the lyricist got really lazy? Every other line of this song goes "fa la la la la la la la la" which essentially means the lyricist only had to work half as hard on this. I'm not complaining though; it means people who find it difficult remembering lyrics (like me) can brag of knowing 50% of the words to this carol. 54.17%, if you count "deck the halls with boughs of holly".

White Christmas

Back in 2006, not long after I shifted from ebloggy (nobody blogs on ebloggy!) to blogspot, I started a series of carol critiques entitled The Collection of Constipated, Convoluted Carols, which was supposed to be part of a bigger series of song critiques entitled The Selection of Sick, Sarcastic Songs. I was a funny kid, back then. Basically what I'd planned was to, and I quote the 21-year old me, take "songs that are usually viewed as perfectly normal and wholesome for the family" and "analys[e] them on my blog for everyone's viewing and reading (and hopefully laughing) pleasure". Pretty self-indulgent kid, huh?

Well I've decided to bring the whole thing back. I think I hear someone screaming. And I've decided to start with that really famous Christmas carol, White Christmas. I'm sure you know that one. It goes like this:

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Just like the ones I used to know

Where the treetops glisten

And children listen

To hear sleigh bells in the snow

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

With every Christmas card I write

May your days be merry and bright

And may all your Christmases be white

Only two stanzas, and pretty straightforward. I have several issues with this song though. Let's get started.

1st stanza: Why are you "dreaming" of a white Christmas that you "used to know"? I think of four possibilities: first, maybe you've migrated and you're not in a wintry place anymore, like maybe you're living in some faraway place where you don't get snow for Christmas. Somewhere exotic and tropical perhaps, like South East Asia, where it's summer and sweaty and sticky and sunny all year round. You don't get snow in the tropics; come to think of it, if you've never been out of the tropics, you prolly don't even know what snow looks or feels like. The second thing I think of, is maybe you're stuck in prison, and are surrounded by four grey walls (and a little grilled-up window, if you're one of the better-behaved inmates), and you don't have the option of getting out and going home, and you're staring at a picture of a little cottage all lit up with Christmas lights amidst a howling blizzard. All you remember of snow is the memories you had of the time before you were incarcerated, and the odd pictures and postcards your family/friends send to you (please reference picture above). Thirdly, I think of someone who's got a sleep disorder like narcolepsy, and you can't help it but you're just super exhausted all the time and you end up spending more time asleep than awake, and thus you only see snow and winter in your dreams. In fact, you see everything in your dreams, that's how much time you spend sleeping. Fourthly, maybe you're a vampire and you've gotta have the curtains drawn at all times so the sunlight doesn't penetrate your abode and you can't go out in the day to play in the snow because your skin will go all sparkly diamonds and you can't go out at night because the wolves in the nearby forest won't let you. You "used to know" a white Christmas before you migrated to the tropics, or before you got locked up, or before they stopped giving you sugar and caffeine to keep you awake, or before that weird-looking fella with the sharp teeth bit you, but not anymore. No more white Christmas for you.

And why is it a "white" Christmas, anyway? What about us in the tropics? We may not have snow, but hey, we still have Christmas, y'know. And snow isn't really white. It's more off-white, or maybe even grey or brown, especially if you trudge around with your dirty boots. And I don't think people drive around on sleighs anymore. Or if kids even listen to "sleigh bells" anymore. Plenty of blaring car horns and annoying mobile ringtones and someone-forgot-to-switch-off-the-telly background noise, but nope, no more sleigh bells. You could download an app for it if you're really into sleigh bells though.

2nd stanza: I hate to break it to you guys, but no one actually writes Christmas cards anymore. You should count yourself fortunate (and well-liked) if you receive a few sms-es, but you're gonna get most of your greetings through Facebook or Twitter or Instagram. Maybe an email or two. If you've got those kind of friends. And again, why all this emphasis on having a "white" Christmas? It's summer in Australia. How do you think the Aussies feel when they play this song on the airwaves? But if you're really dead set on having snow for Christmas, you can always get one of those snow machines. Heard they're really popular in Asian tourist-centred streets and shopping malls these days. Get a smaller one though; you don't need all that snow in the living room. And it's gonna be a huge pain, trying to get rid of all that melted snow on Boxing Day.

Have a white Christmas, everyone!

P.S. Here are the links to The Collection of Constipated, Convoluted Carols from all the way back in 2006: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, Santa Claus is Coming to Town. End of P.S.

Memoirs of CNY 2007

Okay, Chinese New Year for me this year was interesting. Firstly, because I had this camera to snap pictures with. I spent a lot of time, standing under the stars, waiting to catch that perfect fireworks picture... I think I failed. So then I moved on to other subjects... I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the best of photographers, but I consider it more along the lines of er... Recording. Yeah, that's it. Recording my life, and the quirks I see around me each day. So here they are:

Whoa, like... Check out the psychedelic colours on the left! It's like what someone on drugs would see or something... I believe this one was taken like, when it started to drizzle or something. I remember getting wet... Not too drenched, but wet enough to almost get me sick. Boy, what an experience, huh?







I think this one was one of the prettier ones... I mean, like my buddy Trish says, you can actually see everything clearly you know? And there's two of them bursting there... So pretty!










Now this one's here my personal favourite... I like that red burst of fireworks, and the way it lights up the background, and with the silhouette of the tree, and part of the house... It just makes for a lovely picture, y'know?

And what would Chinese New Year be without the delectable goodies? Yummy! You know the new fad, where you go to every house and they serve you like these little pieces of seaweed fried between popiah skins? Man, I love those! Must have polished off like one entire bottle on my own!

This is what happens when a lot of people visit you during CNY. Firstly, you end up with lotsa shoes, slippers, boots, sandals, terompah Jepun, etc etc at your doorstep...

... Secondly, you end up having to eat outside in the garden, alone, because there isn't enough place for you on the table... Or rather, in my situation, I preferred to sit outside under the moon and the stars and enjoy my dinner under the showering rays of fireworks!














And finally... This is what the pressure of CNY does to a person - makes the worst slob on the planet clean up her room spick and span, 'just in case' some friends decide to pay a 'surprise' visit... But of course, this isn't all of my room. It's just the door area! Heehee!









And that concludes this year's edition of 'Memoirs of CNY'... Tune in again next year, same time, same place for the next edition! Muahahahaha!

Coming soon - Esther's escape from prison!

Hi y'all... It's been what? Almost one week? Anyway, I'm just glad this week is almost over... What with 2 midterm exams, a bunch of assignments due, this week has really been something! Of course, I still have one more assignment due on Friday and I haven't started a bit of it, but yeah, compared to what I was feeling last night (what with exam stress and all) now this moment feels like bliss! And drum roll please - bonus for me - holidays begin next week! Which means this Friday marks my release from 'prison' for approximately 12 days, yippee! I'm due back in prison on the 21st, bummer... But while the holiday lasts, it'll be a rock-and-rollin' time, oh yeah!

Well during my parole, I guess I'll be working on a few er, 'projects'... Like trying to clean up my room in time for Chinese New Year. It's like this nagging thought at the back of my mind that some curious people might actually wanna take a peep into the private world of Esther, and then ta-da! Shock for them, embarassment for me at the mess, the leftover plastic food wrappers, the multiple carbonated drink cans lying around in almost every nook and cranny... Yeah, I better start cleaning real soon. It's definitely gonna take me a long time. Then of course, the next 'project' would be trying to actually do some studying for the many midterm exams and assignments that will be due immediately upon my re-entry into prison. Sigh. Nothing more I can say about that. Third 'project' would be to er... Have fun eating and drinking all those carbonated drinks? I mean, like, what else am I supposed to do huh? Say no and pass up a perfectly good opportunity to get free Coca-Cola? Yeah right. And the cow pogo-jumped over the moon. And yes of course not to forget Esther's almost never-ending quest to finish the LOTR trilogy... Sigh! Is it really supposed to be this hard to finish what is supposed to be my favourite book?

And I guess that's it this time... Why do all my blog startings and endings sound the same? LoL!

Cheers!

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Alright then! Christmas is really round the corner now, and I guess I'll just have to speed up my entries for my Collection of Constipated, Convoluted Carols. So here's one more:

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

You better watch out

You better not cry

Better not pout I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

He's making a list,

And checking it twice

Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.

Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you're sleeping

He knows when you're awake

He knows if you've been bad or good

So be good for goodness sake!

You better watch out

You better not cry

Better not pout, I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town

Now this here song, my friends, is arguably one of the worst songs on the air right now. Why? Because it teaches children to be paranoid. Yes! Paranoid! How? Let me count the ways:

First stanza: "You better watch out... You better not cry... Better not pout I'm telling you why... Santa Claus is coming to town..." My goodness. I mean, what else do you think this means? It's blackmail, people! BLACKMAIL! You better not... You better not... Gasp! Horror of horrors! Now you're bribing a kid into not making a sound or a pip just because some old fellow in a white beard and a red suit is 'coming to town'? This was probably how the folks of olden days got their children to behave so well in the company of house guests... Gasp! What are we trying to turn our children into? Silent, noiseless walking androids about town?

Second stanza: Now this one's really scary. What do you mean by saying Santa's 'making a list' huh? A list of what, exactly? That's what I wanna know... Why does he have to check it twice? Check what twice? And why does he have to make a list of who's been 'naughty and nice'? Who is this guy anyway huh? The CIA? The FBI? Secret Service? Rakan Cop? It's driving me nuts? What list is Santa making this time? Is my name on it? Who put my name on it? Whatever it is - I DIDN'T DO IT! See? You're just gonna make all the cute little kids go nuts with all the secretive stuff... You're harping on their paranoia, people! That can't be right now... Can it?

Third stanza: Man, this is the ultimate in paranoia: "He sees you when you're sleeping... He knows when you're awake..." What? Now Santa Claus is a Peeping Tom? This is worse than all the horror movies they're showing on the telly and the cinema... Imagine this: There you are sleeping in your bed, and suddenly you hear a noise. You look up, and there, hanging on your window sill, is an old man, his white beard, pinkish nose, and stupid grin plastered on your window pane... And he's looking straight at you. And then he goes "Ho ho ho!"... I think I would scream. And run. Real fast. And the last two lines of this stanza: "He knows if you've been bad or good... So be good for goodness sake!" I mean, in the first place, how does Santa know whether I've been bad or good? Is he psychic? Or someone's been tale-telling eh? Who's telling him all these things huh? Who's leaking my every move and word to him? Who's spying on me? Children - being children and all - are gonna get really paranoid and suspicious of everything and everybody... Their parents, their siblings, their classmates, their teachers, the little cute puppy whose head they pet everyday, the fire hydrant sitting just outside their bedroom windows... It's called paranoia, my friends.

Fourth stanza: There's really nothing much to say about this stanza. It's pretty much repetitive... And the last two lines "Santa Claus is coming to town... Santa Claus is coming to town..." You know how phobias are formed in the first place? Tell a kid enough times that a snake is poisonous, and then repeat "Snakes are bad" a few times each day... Eventually the poor kid's gonna be so freaked out about snakes, the next time he sees one, he's not gonna scream, y'know. You know what he's gonna do when he sees a snake? He's gonna go berserk. I dunno. Maybe go hysterical, pee in his pants, faint... Oh no. He's not just gonna scream. That's not a big enough reaction to counter the complex you've drilled into him day in day out that snakes are bad... This is exactly what we're doing with this song, people. Tell a kid that Santa Claus is watching his every move, and he's gonna end up getting what I'd like to term the 'Santa Claus Syndrome' - and no, it's not as nice, or as fun, or as cute, as it sounds. Because the kid really is gonna have a phobia for all things related to Santa Claus and his Peeping Tom cum Secret Agent tendencies...

Do we want this for our future generation? I certainly hope not. And I sure hope you agree with me. The only solution to this?

Ban this song.

Carol Number Two: Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

This is simply horrifying... Talk about songs that should be banned... This really should be banned! No need for me to go all analyzing and explaining this song... Just read! Brrrrrrrrrr! Simply horrifying.

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

Walking home from our house Christmas eve.

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

But as for me and grandpa we believe.

She'd been drinking too much eggnog,

And we begged her not to go.

But she forgot her medication, and she

Staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found her Christmas morning,

At the scene of the attack,

She had hoof-prints on her forehead,

And incriminating Claus marks on her back.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

Walking home from our house Christmas eve.

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

But as for me and grandpa we believe.

Now we're all so proud of grandpa,

He's been taking this so well.

See him in there watching football,

Drinking root beer and

Playing cards with Cousin Mel.

It's not Christmas without Grandma,

All the family's dressed in black

And we just can't help but wonder:

Should we open up her gifts,

Or send them back?

Send them back!

Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

Walking home from our house Christmas eve.

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

But as for me and grandpa we believe.

Now the goose is on the table

And the pudding made of fig

And the blue and silver candles

That would just have matched

The hair on grandma's wig.

I've warned all myfriends and neighbors

Better watch out for yourselves,

They should never give a license

To a man who drives a sleigh

And plays with elves.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

Walking home from our house Christmas eve.

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

But as for me and grandpa we believe.

And to think I thought Christmas carols were all happy sweet little things to put smiles on people's faces... Urgh. The world is a cruel, twisted place indeed... And now we really know Santa Claus isn't as nice as we all thought he was, eh?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

You know what they say, right? 'Tis the season to be jolly, falalalala lalalala... Well, to cut a long story short, about 3 weeks ago, I had this brilliant stroke of genius! I was inspired to, er, come up with a collection of twisted songs... Y'know, songs that are usually viewed as perfectly normal and wholesome for the family and all that stuff... Well, one day I chanced upon a song, and upon further dissection (and a little imagination), I realised there was a hidden meaning to this song! So then I came up with this idea of this new project: getting all these songs and analysing them on my blog for everyone's viewing and reading (and hopefully laughing) pleasure... So here it is, my new project - Esther's Selection of Sick, Sarcastic Songs! The songs in this selection are songs which you should never let little kids with their young, easily impressionable minds listen to... And since it's that time of the year where every restaurant, shopping mall, and hawker stall beside the drain starts blaring out Christmas songs, let's start off this selection with Esther's Collection of Constipated, Convoluted Carols, starting off with the dissection of the popular children's song Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which coincidentally, was the song I actually mentioned earlier, the one where I suddenly realised contained a hidden meaning. Enjoy.

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

You know Dasher and Dancer
And Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid
And Donner and Blitzen.
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows

All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Play in any reindeer games

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
"Rudolph with your nose so bright
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

Then all the reindeer loved him
And they shouted out with glee
"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
You'll go down in history!"

Now, the thing is, you're probably wondering what's so wrong (or constipated) about this song... This is where you need my help. Here, have a closer look:

First stanza

You know Dasher and Dancer

And Prancer and Vixen,

Comet and Cupid

And Donner and Blitzen.

But do you recall

The most famous reindeer of all?

As you can see (or maybe you can't), this entire song starts off wrong right from the very start! So what if I know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen and Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen? Our minds are precious things, with limited storage space! We shouldn't be wasting our memory banks on worthless details like the names of 8 reindeers! And even if you really wanted to remember their names, who would even in the first place wanna be friends with reindeer with really bad moral values? The name Vixen alone means "temperamental and sexy woman"! And Dasher means "one who makes an ostentatious parade"! You want your children to hang around with reindeer like these? Do you even want your children to make friends with reindeer? People befriend people - normal people do not befriend reindeer! And the last 2 lines of the stanza is actually promoting a very negative value - competitiveness and popularity. So what if I don't recall the most famous reindeer of them all? Are the IUBR (International United Board of Reindeer, Inc.) gonna come and stage a riot or something if I can't remember their names? Stop it with all this competitiveness already, people!

Second stanza
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows

I find this stanza very disturbing. I cannot emphasize the total gruesomeness of this stanza much more than this: Not every one is lucky enough to be born with a non-shiny nose. We are all different. Some people are more fortunate than others, and are born with lovely, smooth noses that don't shine in the moonlight. Other people, are well... Less lucky. This is the case with Rudolph. My question is this - so what if he has a birth defect? He still deserves every inch of respect and love from the reindeer community, okay? This is a very sensitive issue and I really don't know how best to breach this topic to you all out there reading this here article. So Rudolph the poor miserable reindeer had a humongous, glow-in-the-dark lightbulb at the very tip of his breathing device. So what? It can still perform its original function, right? A nose is meant for breathing with, not meant for you to go all around the world on Santa's sleigh to show it off, okay? And man, the last 2 lines of the 2nd stanza... Arguably the worst lines to be found in this song. So now we wanna teach our future generations to poke fun at reindeer with red, shining noses? Fine, go ahead, but let this be known: by teaching them to ridicule people's noses, you are gonna teach them to be prejudiced and biased against people with less-than-perfect noses. Shame!

Third stanza
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Play in any reindeer games

I really don't need to say much about this stanza. It's self-explanatory in its entirety. Look, let's just use our imaginations a little and try to put ourselves in Rudolph's miserable shoes: There you are, you have a gargantuan traffic light for a nose, and all you wanna do is crawl up into a little hole and die from the embarrassment of it all (twinkly noselights are not cool), all you wanna do is run away and hide, and all you were really hoping for was for everyone else to just pretend there was no hideous monstrosity on your sniffing device, and maybe in your wildest dreams, everyone would still wanna be your friend... Does this happen? Sadly, no. What does happen is the complete opposite of everything you were wishing and hoping for. In fact, what does happen is something out of your very worst nightmare. Every other reindeer friend you had, and even your own reindeer family, they all come out of their little perfect reindeer homes and they all start pointing their antlers at you and start laughing. Yes. Laughing. At you. And they all avoid you on the streets when you go shopping for new antler stockings. And all the mother reindeer, when they see you walking towards them, they all kinda shrink and shudder away from your gaze, and pull their darling baby reindeer with their perfect little noses closer towards themselves, away from you... As if the little Christmas ornament was contagious or something! And when you try to be nice and friendly, and you give that cute little baby reindeer in the reindeer trolley a sweet smile, what does he do but burst out in hysterical wailings of "Monster! Get him away from me!" And you knw what's the very worst part of this whole catastrophe? In Reindeer High School, your own reindeermates don't even want to talk to you... They don't even let you join in their little gossips and stupid playground games. And all these, just because your nose is sort of more shiny than other reindeer's. Oh, the shame and humiliation of it all. Poor Rudolph.

Fourth stanza
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
"Rudolph with your nose so bright
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

Okay. The story so far: Imagine you're Rudolph the deeply misunderstood reindeer. You're on the brink of madness. You just wanna crawl under your bedsheets and sleep for one week straight. Then on Christmas Eve, Santa comes knocking on your door. Okay. He doesn't quite do that. What he actually does is throw little pebbles on your little reindeer bedroom window and yell out "Hey, Lightbulb-Face! Come out! I've got something to say to you!" Of all the people in Reindeer Town, you'd think Santa would understand right? Wrong. Santa, in actual reality, isn't all that nice as everyone says he is. He's just got a really good publicist, who pays off the right media people with enough money to spread the image of a jolly smiling white-bearded Santa. In actual fact, Santa's got two earrings in his left earlobe and his breath reeks of the beer he drank from the last party he attended. So then, what does Santa want with Rudolph the acne-prone reindeer? It all goes back to his really good publicist, see... Rudolph's already renowned the whole world over for his little torchlight-for-a-nose problem, see, and what better way to boost up the image of kind and charitable Santa than taking Rudolph under your wings and kinda like, pretending to befriend him, see? So Santa does just that, and he says to Rudolph: "Yo, Rudy! Think you can handle my turbo power SuperSleigh?" It's the image power-up scheme see, and also, Santa's a little bit on the drunken side, and so are all his turbo power sleigh-driving reindeer, and there's been a leak from the Reindeer Cops that there's gonna be a bust-up tonight, see, and they're gonna have reindeer roadblocks on every turning and they're whipping out the Reindeer Breathalysers tonight... This is where Rudolph comes in. Sober, I-don't-drink-alcohol Rudolph. Poor Rudolph. Getting tricked, being used, and he doesn't even have a clue.

Fifth stanza
Then all the reindeer loved him
And they shouted out with glee
"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
You'll go down in history!"

This is the most widely misunderstood stanza in the entire song. Everybody thinks that you know what? After Rudolph leads Santa's sleigh right, suddenly he's popular, and all the reindeer wanna be his friends now, and they've finally accepted Rudolph and his blinking-headlight nose, and now things are just spiffy, and sparkly clean, and oh-so-lovely, and everybody lives happily ever after in Reindeer Town. That's the original story. Or so the entire world thinks. You wanna know what really happens? I got this from a reindeer frined who was actually at the scene of the crime that night. Here's what really happened: So Rudolph, being the sad little reindeer that he is, you know, just looking for a little love and acceptance amongst his fellow reindeer, of course he says "Yes, I'll guide your sleigh, Santa!" and he left that night in a blaze of upturned snow from the over-pumped turbo power SuperSleigh exhaust pipe. What Rudolph forgot, and apparently what every other silly reindeer in little Reindeer Town forgot, was that Rudolph - poor little pathetic reindeer - was underaged! I mean, hello! He didn't even have a Reindeer Class Driving License! What else do you think could have happened? He took a U-turn a little too fast, a little too dangerously, and the entire SuperSleigh kinda came to a crashing somersault, right there just above the blinking lights of the Eiffel Tower. I mean, honestly, how he even got that far from the South Pole to Paris without being caught by the Reindeer Cops, I dunno. So of course, they arrested him, and locked him up in the Bastille (yes, apparently it's still up and operating, but they only admit 'special' cases)... The last I heard of Rudolph, he was sharing a cell with the likes of Robin Hood (crimes of stealing, rioting, shooting illegal game in Sherwood Forest), Woody Woodpecker (illegal logging of precious Amazonian trees), and Cinderella (fraud and false identity, apparently... She couldn't quite leave behind her old life and the Prince used to find her in the middle of the night in the Palace kitchens, rubbing charcoal on her face, the floor, the walls... The final straw was when she rubbed soot into his brand new Cadillac).

So you see, my friends? When they said Rudolph would go down in history, they really did mean just that. He's history now.

Now you see why we should ban this song from the airwaves? And keep them out of little children's innocent little ears? Now you know.

Poor Rudolph.

A totally original EVSH fictional work of art.